I understand that the whole step-son thing is hard for you and I feel for your inner struggles, but what do I do as the person caught in the middle?  Whenever I think of the situation my mind always goes back to that fact that even before we married you knew of him, embraced him and had no hard feelings toward him.  Then along comes our first son and now Charlie is a thorn in foot, giving you pain and agony every step you take.  I understand how that can change your feelings some but not to the point of being mean to him.  I already know that you are going to rebut that you are not mean to him, but you are.  Going through spells of ignoring him is mean.  Snapping at every little movement keeping him on his toes is mean.  Offering our children a snack while he sits back and watches is mean.  Doing things for our children while he is over and not able to participate is mean.  Hiding his belongings to get back at his mother is mean.  Talking down about his mother in front of him is mean, etc.  Before you snap back I know you have done plenty of nice things for him too but all it seems to do is loosen his guard some just to lift him up and drop him.  He enters our house with such wariness it hurts me to watch, because I've entered the same way many times in the past.  I'm not asking that you turn into super step-mother for him or to pull away all contact.  I would like if you could find some middle ground and stick to it no matter whats going on with our relationship, yours and Charlie's relationship and that bullshit that we go through with his mother, kind of like a relationship with a co-worker.  That's the only way I see it working for now.

Loitering of conclusion:

 It's funny how things that irritate you and you wanted changed the fastest seem to linger and and never seem to go anywhere.  I believe that our court battles could have been finished some time ago if we didn't have so many humps in the road.  Ugly girl taking us to court over stupid shit being the main hump.  With some reflection the unwanted time in purgatory has put us in a better position to get what we want.  Plan of the lawyer or just how things work out?  I know he wanted to wait and we did that, now I think it is laziness that keeps this from ending.  Once we can secure the court date I'm sure it will change our feelings some giving us the light at the end of the tunnel that we need.  Everything should go well and I'm not worried of its outcome.

Post conclusion:

Once court is finished I know you are already to plan for whats to come next.  With a little bit of thought it should be simple to keep us both content.  You want him less and I am torn in between the two, I have the same problems and concerns as you but on my side he is my son and I love him.  Giving up holidays isn't a big deel to me considering that I will be working most of them anyways which leaves him at home with you while I work.  As for the weekend the only idea that comes to my head is to let Charlie and ugly girl start getting used to making plans on our weekends and document it so if it ever comes back to us in court we can use it against her.  If that is to happen, I would need you to make the best of it so it is not such a dreaded time.

Unexplainable Union:

 I'm always asked, what the hell were you thinking hooking up with that girl.  What got me to initially hook up with her?  I have not the slightest fucking clue as to what I was thinking.  I know that I didn't enjoy it, like being seen with it nor proud of it.  And as for the pregnancy that happened right after I dumped her.  Throughout my crazy younger years I never put any thought to what would happen if I was to have a child that I didn't want.  I never thought about being for or against abortion.  Thinking back to my feelings about it I know I didn't want a child yet, ESPECIALLY with her.  I think what got me to step up and take on the challenge was not any love for her or excitement to have a child with her but the old fashion values implemented on me by my parents.

Was it a good choice?  NO
Would I make the same mistake again?  NO
Do I love my son regardless to his crackhead mothers influence?  YES
Do i I have any feelings for crackhead mommy?  HELL NO
I'm I proud of my situation?  NO
Would I take it back if I could?  YES
Is it to late to take it back?  YES

Drunken Sorrows:

 I have been well aware of my drinking for many years now but for many years it has persisted.  The root of the problem can be many reasons, my mom always thought it was heredity considering that all of my fathers side where alcoholics.  I used to think it was because I was depressed but that theory flies out the window because I drink for fun too (or maybe it would not be so bad if I only drank then).  Whatever the cause I share your concerns and it needs to stop.  I go the longest period of not drinking whenever we are happy and busy so lets try to keep it that way when its time to clean up.

Facial Smoke Plumes:

Hate, disgust, dirty, love, need, repulse, anger.  Some of the few words that goes through a smokers head when they think about their habit.  The amount of addiction for a drug that produces such little pleasure is insane.  When you smoke you only think about quitting, when you quit you think only about starting.  I've failed so many attempts at ending this damned habit, I don't know what needs to be done.  This is something that needs to be discussed further and researched.  Most people that quit after so many years is because they had some dramatizing medical experience, I don't want to be that person.

Gettin Smarter:

 I love school and most off I love knowledge.  Why I failed at it so horribly disgustes me to the point I don't even want to tell people I was in school.  Right now I am confused as what to do.  Continue with my CS degree or talk to someone about other directions to advance in the direction that I am already going.  I love programming with all my heart but it would mean a career change, not bad just a change.  Or I would look at where I am now and school to advance with it.  I think the best thing to do is to look into it and make a plan by mid November, and turn it into my supieriors so there is no question about my availibality to go to class.

That's about what I have to say for now without more time to re-read and ponder.  I think it will be easier once you respond and give me something to feed off of.

On a side note.  I know it can get rough when you lack sleep and the boys are difficult but please, remember that we are married and I share your pain with you.  

Don't be surprised if I don't come home tonight!

My fist steps so far have just been realizing that I have a problem with ... I guess life, listing everything would be a whole other post.  I started reading books on motivation and depression learning what I can so I can tackle each problem appropiately.  I'm looking at my actions and reactions to everyday problems and trying to vocalize them with my wife so we can work things together as a team.  And once I start work and know my schedule I plan to start theopy because I'm sure a few books and chats with my wife will not be enough considering the length and severity of the problem.

 Hopefully this isn't the last you guys see of me.  I want to start writing more telling my problems to the world instead of bottling them up inside.     

Today we celebrate how good of a mother you have been to our children.

Today you deserve to get what you want.

Today I am at your service

This guy's is love with you

---------------> 

Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde

Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
please smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all

A tout le monde      (To everyone (litt. "To all the world"))
A tout mes amis      (To all my friends)
Je vous aime          (I love [all of] you (plural))
Je dois partir           (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say

Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred

A tout le monde (To all of the world)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile, smile when you think about me
My body's gone that's all

A tout le monde (To all of the world)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free